It is said that we teach best what we most need to learn, and over the last 6 weeks I’ve been running a course on Mindfulness and self-care. But what is self-care? At times it can feel elusive and hard to practice, so I’ve really enjoyed the opportunity to reflect on it a bit more.

Mindfulness and self-care feel like two sides of the same coin. Both invite a kindly attention, have a quality of acceptance, and support what’s best for us. We might even say that self-care is a natural expression of mindfulness. I heard Jon Kabat Zin, the forefather of secular mindfulness, give a talk where he said, ‘Mindfulness is not about feeling better, it’s about waking up’, and I think this applies to self-care too. If we don’t stay awake, what we call self-care (or mindfulness for that matter) can very quickly become another way we distract, avoid or even override ourselves. And in a consumer culture that constantly drives us forward to want more and be better, we can have our work cut out telling the difference. So here are a few pointers…

• Self-care is as much about what you do as how you do it. At the heart of it, self-care relies on attitudes of curiosity, interest and the cultivation of a genuine friendliness toward ourselves. Although we are learning to do what helps, even more fundamental to self-care is a way of being with ourselves.
• Self-care can easily get hijacked by our incessant striving for perfection. We read all the books, buy the blenders and download the apps. We work diligently, eat well, take supplements and regular exercise… and we meditate! We work hard on ourselves and at putting in place a perfect set of conditions, so maybe then we might have the life that we really want. As a recovering self-help junkie, making friends with my vulnerabilities and even connecting to their value and strengths, continues to be my most challenging and healing practice, and feels like a path to real fullness.
• Self-care is not about ‘spoiling’ yourself.  When I’m in a bit of a state and do remember to ask the appropriate question of ‘what would help?’, the deeper answers very seldom point towards that red jumper in TKMaxx. And while there’s nothing wrong with an indulgent slice of chocolate cake, it’s when I catch myself justifying it in my mind as something ‘I deserve’, that alarm bells go off. These pleasures are no longer joys to be relished, but instead a sure sign I missed the boat on some genuine self-care.
• Self-care is not about avoiding the messy or hard stuff but can be about us getting real with ourselves. It might be that we have to do things we have been avoiding. Or face up to our shortcomings, name our disappointments and admit to our failures. We might have to accept not getting what we want, or deal with the fall out of not giving others what they want. It’s when we face up to stuff that we open up a creative space of doing something different.

Real self-care can bring us back into balance and support us in creating a life we no longer have to constantly get away from. And we can practice by creating new small habits… making time to do something we love just because we can or noticing the sky on our way to work. For me the simple act of pausing in my busy day, noticing how I am and taking three deep breaths can really make a difference. And it might be that I buy myself that bunch of flowers, but it’s something I enjoy in my life rather than a way of trying to get away from it.